This is not the kind of blog that you are expecting to read. Here I am writing situations, self-reflections from my own personal life, an art altruistic personality to help myself and others around me. I am no expert nor have any backing of any psychology, books, research studies, etc. though these subjects, often fuel my curiosity.

I am just penning down my thought process and progress over months and years, that helped me to understand what I learned and did not learn, not just in my art but also in life. Trigger warnings: I am touching subjects of anxiety, compulsive habits, organisational issues, etc. So if this is disturbing or not pleasing to you in any sort, please straightaway move into the last section of the blog where I share talk about art.

My Story:

In 2022, we shifted to our new rented apartment and I was so excited to find all the beautiful storage facilities the owner had given us. There were a few cons too, but I then had a baggage of a decade of physical hoardings, that I carried through 9 houses and 4 cities that desperately needed cupboards, shelves, drawers, etc.

So after we moved in, I immediately began to arrange everything as per my needs and wants. I am generally not a hoarder sort of person or aggressive into buying stuff,  and so I easily give away items that I don't need or like. But, organisation is a difficult task for me. I had a habit of keeping the same items in different areas of the house and repeatedly moved the storage spaces. I could spend more than 10 minutes to store that one hairpin, so I remember next time where I kept it. Maybe, this is called a compulsive habit, that I could go on arranging and organising for days, weeks, months, but never feel satisfied with it. And this kind of lifestyle drives me crazy, physically unrested and exhausted most of the time.I never really reached a place where I am satisfied with the progress. Not just in this house, but ever before!

Nine years ago, I had lost my identity, due to this over-indulgence, compulsive habits and other things. I was mostly tired and exhausted by doing all chores, duties of home, chores and all of my social gatherings, etc. I was a young mum and had a lot of vigour and energy to exert and become a better person. But, I became very critical of my errors and mistakes; and thrived daily in perfectionism.

I never knew I was a perfectionist and self-critical, and how harmful it was, until I came in touch with Zentangle® Artform. It is only after I started making my art as a daily practice, that I reasoned my inner limitations; repeatedly came in touch with my negative self-talk (stored within me for ages). It has nothing to do with how efficient and competent I was on the outside. So, the very reason I leaned towards Zentangle® was because of its simplicity and minimalist style. (And I still love this part of Zentangle®) It took me several months to move beyond the basics and find confidence in exploring colours and other advanced styles. 

I thought I healed my anxiety and relationship with my perfectionist self, even as I began to accept mistakes in art, messy art desks, cluttered home, unorganised spaces in the wardrobe, a busy home, etc. I lived in this situation for many months and years and dropped any habit that caused suffering to me and others around me. Practicing self-compassion and focusing on other areas that I enjoyed a lot, became my mantra.

But now 9 yrs into this new lifestyle, I started realising that my problem could be something else. I May Have a problem with anxiety that troubles me with all sorts of decision making processes. Like, when it came to my home, I would really not know which area of the home can be utilised for storage, cabinets, etc. That’s why I have a hard time to reason where I can store that one hairpin that was lying on the coffee table. To me, finding items is not an issue, but to find a storage space that aligns with my and my family’s habits, is hard. It's a
DECISION MAKING PROBLEM AND anxiety was only a result of this problem.

Decision making is the process of making choices by identifying a decision, gathering information, and assessing alternative resolutions. Using a step-by-step decision-making process can help you make more deliberate, thoughtful decisions by organizing relevant information and defining alternatives.

Definition by University of Massachusetts

Decision making is the process of making choices by identifying a decision, gathering information, and assessing alternative resolutions. Using a step-by-step decision-making process can help you make more deliberate, thoughtful decisions by organizing relevant information and defining alternatives.

Some more examples, that could prove my lack of decision making skill were - that I can never pen down of which colour I like the most (Reminds me of Phoebe from F.R.I.E.N.D.S who says it is unfair to other colours) hahaha :-D …….or what style of clothes do I need to shop or what is my favourite food, which places I like to visit and why, what kind of people would I want to hangout with and how much longer, etc.

And did I not know about this “self-limitation"?

Yes, I always knew this about me, that I hated being asked such questions and immediately turned towards others to make these simple decisions. Again it was nothing to do with assertiveness. But I hated few decision-making processes. Even in the younger days, I laid trust on others, my mom, sister, friends, to think best for me. But surprisingly, now after so many years, my old tricks are not working out for me. I don't know, maybe my awareness has increased or I probably crave to see myself walk out of this habit forever. Partially, I also feel that I am not doing justice to my existence here.

Off late, I began to introspect on what I can really do to improve in this arena. And I am not coming from the place of an ego or proving a point to others, but a gentle way of understanding myself that makes more sense to my living.

I began to “slow down” in life. I stepped away from social media and overuse of mobile and also reduced my chore load. I simplified my routine and began investing in learning. I consumed a lot of podcasts, reading, listening, research on subjects that interest me, meditating and more communion with my inner God or Presence of Higher Energy. I even did journaling, pages after pages, talking to myself. Someday I will talk about how I use a journal to help me.

Research says, to beat anxiety and help in the decision making process, it is important to move your body, as soon as you make up your mind. So to me, it felt natural to focus on just one aspect of my daily life, and that was my wardrobe and glanced at the chaos it was in. I started making small decisions and went through all the items in my wardrobes and re-visited other areas that I have neglected. I began to make tiny decisions. For eg - if I found a scarf, I would immediately go in search of matching blouse/tops and hang it beside it.  I also tried some of my clothes to find what kind of fabrics, style, designs, colours, that I enjoy wearing the most. I started with my western outfits and then slowly moved into my Indian wears.

I also watched some new TV shows and questioned myself as to what I like in colour, style, decor, feel, etc. I began to de-clutter the space, tried a few outfits, and if it made sense, I kept it. And then, I started my organisation process. I kept pairs that I liked together and re-purposed all the baskets I had. What kind of vibe am I looking forward to? 

I repeatedly went on asking the same questions to myself and wrote down those thoughts in my journal. I called progress as progress, when I began to gain clarity. I became a mini scientist trying, failing and again starting over. To stimulate this creative spree, I started taking time to observe each area of my house and began to declutter and organise. One area after another I kept on moving. By now I was beginning to enjoy this process. I began to enjoy the little wins of my decision making process - be it colour co-ordination, design, style, utlity, etc. For the first time in many years, I have my jewellery and Indian couture on the same shelf and within my reach…I can now say that, if I wish to wear them (as opposed to not making any decision about them). I also realised that, by not making these small decisions, I am actually feeling forced to be and act in a certain way. I actually never really enjoyed my traditional clothes. In the past 30 days, with daily mini tasks, I have got 90% of my house function in accordance with the little system of function and organisation. My art space too is more or less functional. I am so happy with the progress. 

With my home being set right, I now have ample time to bring a creative spree in my art making process and also in writing this blog. 

So let's come back to this artwork, I used the same decision making process to choose Tangles, Style, Colours, Strings, Medium, etc. And I so loved this mini decision making process, because even after a hard working day, I still love the artist in me and brought justice to this art piece!

I loved creating this art piece, yesterday midnight after a hard day of strenuous physical exertion. I have been on and off this piece since few days.

I painted this on the on my white 4.5” inch dia. round tile that I sell in my shop Zen Bazaar, using Sakura Pigma Micron 01 black and brown pen, Derwent Inktense Pencils and Gelly Rolls. This paper is high quality, archival and can take light washes easily.

Tangles here are - Sanibelle Pozer Foundabout Lollywimple Janina

Thank you so much for reading through the blog. And if it helped you in anyway, please put a comment below. This blog came out to be an introspective piece and I tried to be as honest as possible. I would like to know your thoughts on this topic and if you have any tips and advice on how I can improve more.

Some of the podcast that really helped me understand anxiety and help me set goals and focus are here -

https://youtu.be/rmXkcqKOD5Q?si=yO_pu3141UcTFaPr
https://youtu.be/sDmzLZnghcg?si=w8jPP8mj3WP1JpZk

https://youtu.be/GbKo6aSc5mU?si=UFZ-FS8oKsjD2Xdk